An Atheist Explores the Bible Part 65: Sieges, Massacres, Tyrants, Dead Women Devoured By Dogs. No wonder it’s known as “The Good Book” (2 Kings 6-10)

2 Kings 6-10
Sieges, Massacres, Tyrants, Dead Women Devoured By Dogs. No wonder it’s known as “The Good Book”.

Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version).

In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology.

For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT
For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP

And now:

2 Kings 6

“Then the king of Syria warred against Israel, and took counsel with his servants, saying, In such and such a place shall be my camp.

Elisha’s followers decide that the place where they are is too small, so they decamp to Jordan and build a new dwelling place. Meanwhile the king of Syria decides to make war on Samaria, bur Elisha is able to warn the king of Israel where each attack is planned. The Syrians send a force of men to kill Elisha, but Elisha reveals that he is protected by an invisible army of chariots of fire, and the Syrians are struck blind. Elisha then leads them into the middle of Samaria where the king of Israel captures them and shows them mercy under Elisha’s guidance.

In the space of two lines we are told that the men of Syrian no longer made war on Israel, and then King Benhadad of Syria attacks Israel. Um. Proofreading? Anyway, Elisha for some reason doesn’t get involved this time, and there is a lengthy siege where the prices of some scabby food are massively inflated (there is even a price on dove droppings). The king of Israel meets a woman who has made some kind of cannibalism pact with her neighbour, eaten her son but her neighbour has hidden hers when the time came to eat him. For some reason this makes the king want to kill Elisha.

2 Kings 7

“Then Elisha said, Hear ye the word of the LORD; Thus saith the LORD, Tomorrow about this time shall a measure of fine flour be sold for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, in the gate of Samaria.”

In other words, from the above quote, food will be cheap again. The king doesn’t believe, of course. There are four lepers waiting at the gate of the city, and they decide that their choice is to stay there and die, enter the city and starve, or take chances with the Syrians. They enter the Syrian camp and find it deserted – the Syrians have heard noises in the night and thought that a huge army of reinforcements was coming, and so have bolted. The lepers take a bit of plunder before deciding that they should let the city know.

The king, again, thinks it’s a trick, and the Syrians are waiting for the Israelites to leave the city before ambushing them, but he sends a small force of men and they bring back loads of food.

Somebody gets trampled at the gates, and it’s not obvious if it is the king, or a man that the king deputises to look after the gate. Maybe next chapter will clear it up.

2 Kings 8

“Then spake Elisha unto the woman, whose son he had restored to life, saying, Arise, and go thou and thine household, and sojourn wheresoever thou canst sojourn: for the LORD hath called for a famine; and it shall also come upon the land seven years.”

Since the king is alive in this chapter, it must have been his deputy who died. The wealthy widow from before is given advice by Elisha to avoid a famine for seven years (hang on, they’ve nicked that from Joseph), and there’s a bit of back and forth where she gets her land back, but it’s really not very interesting.

Meanwhile, Benhadad of Syria is ill and sends his deputy Hazael to Elisha to ask if he will get better. We’ve had this episode before; maybe this chapter is bits of cobbled together tales. Anyway, in this case Elisha says that he will not, and weeps because he prophesies that Hazael will become king of the Syrians and wreak terrible slaughter on the Israelites (including children’s brains dashed out and pregnant women cut open). Hazael says he would do no such thing, goes home, tells his king he will get better and then smothers him and takes over his kingdom. Shades of Macbeth there.

Then there’s some summarised succession, with the kingship of Judah passing from Jehoshphat to Jehoram to Ahazaiah, whilst Joram remains king in Israel. The Edomites revolt and are defeated, and then Hazael of Syria attacks and Joram is wounded.

2 Kings 9

“Then take the box of oil, and pour it on his head, and say, Thus saith the LORD, I have anointed thee king over Israel. Then open the door, and flee, and tarry not.”

Elisha makes the anointment of a king seem like some kind of practical joke to be run away from, but he causes Jehu, another son of Jehoshaphat, to be anointed king and sends him against the house of Ahab.

Joram of Israel is being visited by Ahazaiah of Judah when Jehu’s forces come, and they recognise Jehu by his crazy driving. They are ultimately defeated (and here the text refers to Joram and Jehoram – what? It’s hard enough keeping all these kings and usurpers and generals straight without their spellings changing as well!)

Jehu (who has presumably now reunited Judah and Israel/Samaria under one kingship again) rides in to the city of Jezreel where Jezebel, Joram/Jehoram’s mother calls down to him from a balcony. However, two eunuchs side with Jehu and throw her off the balcony. Jehu rides over her body and after eating decides it’s time to give her a proper burial only to find that dogs have eaten most of her corpse. There’s a rather salacious feel to the text here as if the writer is taking a little too much delight in her gruesome fate! It sheds some light on my previous confusion, having always assumed a “jezebel” to mean a “loose” woman. Now that I think of it, it’s a “painted Jezebel”, which implies that people who use that expression in earnest (rather than as a joke) actually seem to think that Jezebel’s act of dolling herself up a bit before meeting Jehu is her main crime, and not murdering and manipulating her way into power. Talk about missing the point!

2 Kings 10

“And when they went in to offer sacrifices and burnt offerings, Jehu appointed fourscore men without, and said, If any of the men whom I have brought into your hands escape, he that letteth him go, his life shall be for the life of him.”

Jehu now instigates a reign of terror. He sends letters to the cities where Ahab’s seventy sons live, basically saying “Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.” The elders of the city swear fealty to Jehu, who gets them to send the heads of Ahab’s sons as proof. Then he rounds up and kills Ahazaiah’s sons, and then pretty much anyone remotely connected to Ahab.

Finally he announces that he is going in for Baal worship in a really big way, gets all of the priests of Baal together for a big ceremony and then has his men kill them all, and destroy all the iconography.

However, this all seems to be for naught as “But Jehu took no heed to walk in the law of the LORD God of Israel with all his heart: for he departed not from the sins of Jeroboam, which made Israel to sin”, so despite removing Baal worship from Israel Jehu is still sinning in some unspecified way (I assume wholesale massacres are not part of it). After a 28 year rule he is succeeded by his son Jehoahaz.