An Atheist Explores the Bible Part 72: Bare bottoms, plus David and God have a humble-brag contest (1 Chronicles 16-20)

1 Chronicles 16-20
Bare bottoms, plus David and God have a humble-brag contest.

Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version).

In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology.
For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT
For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP

And now:

1 Chronicles 16

“Then on that day David delivered first this psalm to thank the LORD into the hand of Asaph and his brethren.

After the sacrifices have been made to settle the ark into its new home, David doles out food to everyone and then recites his first psalm. Which is couched in some nice language and all very stirring stuff but it does make me wonder how I’m going to tackle the 150 chapters of the Book of Psalms, as they all tend to be along these lines which, I’m afraid, remind me mainly of the prayer from Monty Python’s Meaning of Life – “Dear Lord, Ooh you are so big etc.”. Exhortations that God is the only God and responsible for everything and you should do what he says. As I say, the language is good but the content is fairly slight for analysis.

After this, David appoints the various ceremonial posts to the Levites, and everyone goes home. No, really, that’s what it says: V43 “And all the people departed every man to his house: ...”

1 Chronicles 17

“Now it came to pass, as David sat in his house, that David said to Nathan the prophet, Lo, I dwell in an house of cedars, but the ark of the covenant of the LORD remaineth under curtains.”

In this chapter David ponders making a proper temple for God, since he has a palace of cedar wood and the ark lives in a tent. Nathan the prophet asks God for guidance, who basically says “Well, tents have done me fine for ages, but okay then.” David, in his turn, also does a bit of humility, saying that God raised him from shepherd to king, but he is just a speck in God’s overall plan which goes on long after his death. It’s quite nicely written but it’s a bit of a mutual admiration society between David and God.

1 Chronicles 18

“Now after this it came to pass, that David smote the Philistines, and subdued them, and took Gath and her towns out of the hand of the Philistines.”

This very short chapter brushes over various wars of conquest and consolidation conducted by David and some of his "mighty men". The Moabites, the Edomites, the Syrians and the Philistines are defeated, David gets a large amount of plunder, some of which Solomon will use to decorate his temple. King Tou of Hadath pays him tribute because they have a mutual enemy.

1 Chronicles 19

“Wherefore Hanun took David's servants, and shaved them, and cut off their garments in the midst hard by their buttocks, and sent them away.”

David sends envoys to the new king Hanun of the Ammonites, because his father Nahash had sheltered David when he was on the run from Saul (although Chronicles omits this point, making the envoys seem a little out of nowhere). However, Hanun’s advisors convince him that the envoys are spies and send them back humiliated (beards shaved, bums hanging out of their clothing).  Then they realise that by doing so, David is angry, and they hire some Syrian mercenaries to protect them.

David sends out Joab and Abishai, who easily defeat the Syrians and Ammonites. David comes out of Jerusalem to mop up, and the Syrians pledge fealty to Israel instead of the Ammonites.

1 Chronicles 20

“And it came to pass after this, that there arose war at Gezer with the Philistines; at which time Sibbechai the Hushathite slew Sippai, that was of the children of the giant: and they were subdued.”

Another short chapter. Joab destroys the Ammonites on David’s orders, and David not only takes the crown of the Ammonite king but orders that the Ammonites be “cut with saws” and axes and harrows. Which … seems needlessly cruel, but, well, different times, right?

The rest of the chapter briefly covers three invasions by the Philistines, and the three captains who each kill one of the sons of giants, Goliath’s remaining kin. One carries a spear like a “weaving beam”, another has six fingers and toes on each hand and foot. I think I remember him from Samuel.