Dr Simon Reads...

I’m taking a break of about a week on the Atheist Explores Sacred Texts series before diving into the New Testament. In the meantime, I noticed that I hadn’t posted the finalists for the 2018 BBC 500 Words contest, despite running through all the entries and offering my predictions. So I’m amending that oversight now. Dr Simon Reads… 500 Words 2018 The winners have been announced for the 2018 final of BBC 500 Words. Who won? How did my predictions go? How did the celebrity readings go? Read on to find out. For more information on the 500 Words competition see my post on the 2017 awards; but in brief it’s a creative writing competition run by the BBC for children aged 5-13, who can any kind of story they like, as long as it is within 500 words. Three winners from each of the two age categories (5-9 and 10-13) get their stories read out by a famous actor in a live final, plus win a big stack of books. Since its inception in 2011 it’s grown massively with tens of th

Malachi 1-4 God the Trade Unionist. And the End of the Old Testament. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Malachi 1 “I have loved you, saith the LORD. Yet ye say, Wherein hast thou loved us? Was not Esau Jacob's brother? saith the LORD: yet I loved Jacob,” Poor old Esau got the short straw, I think. Here God, through Malachi, tells of how He favoured Jacob instead, and now Esau’s descendent, the Edomites, are cursed and despised, with promises of destruction upon them. And yet all Esau did was grow vegetables. Jacob conned him out of his birthright, first by swapping it for a bowl of stew when Esau was starving, and then the trick

Zechariah 11-14 Some stuff that looks like the Gospels if you squint, and take it out of context. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Zechariah 11 “And I will feed the flock of slaughter, even you, O poor of the flock. And I took unto me two staves; the one I called Beauty, and the other I called Bands; and I fed the flock.” Zechariah’s puzzling metaphors and use of language continues. Who or what is the “ flock of slaughter ”? What does that even mean? A flock that is facing slaughter? Or is it that the full phrase “ I will feed the flock of slaughter ” supposed to mean that the flock (i.e. the people, I think that much is clear at le

Zechariah 6-10 Lots of Livestock. And some stuff about being nice to each other, at last. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Zechariah 6 “And I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and, behold, there came four chariots out from between two mountains; and the mountains were mountains of brass.” More visions for Zechariah – four chariots drawn by different coloured horses come from between two mountains of brass, and Zechariah is told by an angel that these are “ the four spirits of the heavens ” that are normally “ standing before the Lord of all the earth .” This is a fairly new concept, possibly related to the four figures of

Zechariah 1-5 Some really crazy visions, and the Day of Small Things. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Zechariah 1 “ I saw by night, and behold a man riding upon a red horse, and he stood among the myrtle trees that were in the bottom; and behind him were there red horses, speckled, and white.” Zechariah is the grandson of a prophet called Iddo, and this chapter takes place in the second year of the reign of Darius, roughly contemporary with Haggai. In it, Zechariah receives a couple of visions from God. In the first, God tells the Israelites that if they turn back to Him, He will turn back to them. God points out that prophets com

Haggai 1-2 The New Improved Temple; Get Yours Today. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Haggai 1 “ Ye have sown much, and bring in little; ye eat, but ye have not enough; ye drink, but ye are not filled with drink; ye clothe you, but there is none warm; and he that earneth wages earneth wages to put it into a bag with holes.” The book of Haggai takes place in the reign of Darius, when the Israelites have returned to Jerusalem. Zerubbabel is the governor of Judah (presumably as a representative of Darius) and Joshua son of Josedech is high priest. Where Haggai fits into this we don’t know, but he gets a message from God. Despite return

Zephaniah 1-3 Doom, Gloom and Birdwatching. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Zephaniah 1 “ The word of the LORD which came unto Zephaniah the son of Cushi, the son of Gedaliah, the son of Amariah, the son of Hizkiah, in the days of Josiah the son of Amon, king of Judah.” Zephaniah’s book begins with a warning from God that He will “ utterly consume all things from off the land ” which includes man and beast, “ fowls of the air ” and “ fishes of the sea ”. The destruction will reach Jerusalem and affect princes in “ strange apparel ”, merchants, drunks and those who don’t believe on God. You probably realise by now that I’m a lit

Habbakuk 1-3 War Is Stupid. Plus: the Chaldeans have the best horses. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Habbakuk 1 “The burden which Habakkuk the prophet did see.” Habbakuk the prophet bemoans that the wicked prosper at the expense of the good, and God answers him that He will raise up the Chaldeans, whose “ horses also are swifter than the leopards, and are more fierce than the evening wolves ” who will run roughshod over everything. There’s a neat little fishing metaphor at the end, although it’s not clear if it applies to the Chaldeans or the other wrong-doers, that they make mankind like fish without any kind of leadership or purp

Nahum 1-3 And now on Nineveh FM, the Travel News with Nahum. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Nahum 1 “God is jealous, and the LORD revengeth; the LORD revengeth, and is furious; the LORD will take vengeance on his adversaries, and he reserveth wrath for his enemies.” Nahum the Elkoshite is preaching the “ burden of Nineveh ”, and it’s familiar fare. There is “ one come out of thee ” (I assume the Ninevites) who “ imagineth evil of the Lord ”. Nahum predicts dire consequences for those who follow this example. (The “one” is quite vague and I can see it being interpreted in metaphysical terms, i.e. the devil). There’s the usual stu

Micah 1-7 A Kinder, Gentler Prophet (Sort of). Plus: Cannibal Princes. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Micah 1 “The word of the LORD that came to Micah the Morasthite in the days of Jotham, Ahaz, and Hezekiah, kings of Judah, which he saw concerning Samaria and Jerusalem.” Once again we have more prophesying but, as this section of the bible is known as the “lesser prophets” it’s not really surprising. Micah is set fairly early in the timeline, falling somewhere in the middle between the time that Israel and Judah split and the time of the Babylonian exile, if I recall my Kings and Chronicles correctly (which I probably don’t, t