An Atheist Explores the Bible Part 60: Wherein half a baby is better than none, and warm virgins are good for your health (1 Kings 1-5)

1 Kings 1-5
Wherein half a baby is better than none, and warm virgins are good for your health.

Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version).

In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology.

For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT

For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP

And now:

1 Kings 1

“Wherefore Nathan spake unto Bathsheba the mother of Solomon, saying, Hast thou not heard that Adonijah the son of Haggith doth reign, and David our lord knoweth it not?”

David is old, and the best thing to comfort an old man is to put a young virgin in his bed to warm him up; enter Abishag the Shunammite. But don’t worry, David doesn’t “know” her.

Before the old king has gone, though, Adonijah (whom I guess is one of his sons) proclaims himself king, backed by Joab. Nathan the prophet and Zadok the priest follow Solomon as the rightful king, and they, along with Solomon’s mother Bathsheba, prevail upon David to make Solomon the king.

David declares Solomon to be his heir, he is anointed and installed, and when news is bought to the Adonijah camp, Joab flees whilst Adonijah throws himself on the mercy of Solomon, who promised that he will be unharmed if he behaves himself. One thing I did notice in this chapter is that Solomon, a king, rides on a mule as if it was some kind of exalted animal – I wonder if that’s the thematic tie in of the Easter donkey ride into Jerusalem we will get later – it’s not such a humble act as it may appear to modern readers.

1 Kings 2

“Then sat Solomon upon the throne of David his father; and his kingdom was established greatly.”

David dies, and the realm passes to Solomon, but before David dies he gives Solomon some instructions on dealing with his enemies. There then follows some consolidation by Solomon of his rule, through the hands of Benaiah, who is eventually put in charge of Solomon’s hosts but here is almost like some kind of secret police. The rebel brother Adonijah petitions to be married to Abishag; instead he is killed. Joab, rebel general, tries to take refuge in the tabernacle but is killed by Benaiah. Abiathar, rebel priest, is exiled. Shemei, the random shouting guy, is also exiled but ends up breaking his exile a couple of years later and gets killed for it. Benaiah is made a general, and Zadok is made head priest.

1 Kings 3

“Give therefore thy servant an understanding heart to judge thy people, that I may discern between good and bad: for who is able to judge this thy so great a people?”

Ah, the famous Judgement of Solomon forms the bulk of this chapter. Before we get to it there is some mention of the growth of Solomon’s kingdom, and how many burnt offerings he makes (and also he apparently takes an Egyptian wife or concubine, this is glossed over in one verse). In a dream, Solomon asks God for the ability to discern right from wrong, and God is pleased because he has chosen wisdom over riches, and gives him great insight. But hang on, wasn’t God originally really angry because Adam and Eve gained knowledge of good and evil? Hmm.

Anyway, I’m sure you know the story. Two women each claim that a baby belongs to them. Solomon offers to cut the child in two and split it between them. The woman who protests is obviously the rightful mother. Which is all fine and nice as a fable, but it kind of assumes that the other woman is going to say “Eh, fine with me, half a baby is better than none. Chop away!”. Presumably anyone other than a complete sociopath is going to protest the division of an innocent child, aren’t they?

Don’t look too closely, you’ll spoil it! It’s a wise decision, okay!

1 Kings 4

“So king Solomon was king over all Israel.”

This chapter is largely a roll-call of Solomon’s officers, and an inventory of his assets, including dromedaries. It ends with how wise he was, and that people would travel for miles to hear him talk about botany (no, really: “And he spake of trees, from the cedar tree that is in Lebanon even unto the hyssop that springeth out of the wall”, V33). And, um, that’s it for this chapter. I note that a few of the exiles, Abiathar and Shemei, are still listed as officers. Also King Og of Bashan gets a namecheck.

1 Kings 5

“Thou knowest how that David my father could not build an house unto the name of the LORD his God for the wars which were about him on every side, until the LORD put them under the soles of his feet”

Hiram of Tyre visits Solomon, and Solomon puts him in charge of building a great temple, taking advantage of the fact that the land is peaceful for a change. Huge numbers of men are put to work, and Hiram’s expertise in building is used to construct a temple from stone, cedar and fir. This chapter only sees the start of the work, I suspect it will continue over at least one more chapter. It also forms the origin myth for Freemasonry and the figure of Hiram Abiff, master builder; not entirely supported by the text here I am shocked, shocked I tell you, to discover.