Dr Simon Reads...

1 Chronicles 21-25 Satan makes his first appearance, but it doesn’t make the book any more interesting. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: 1 Chronicles 21 “ And Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel.” This is the first mention of Satan in the bible. Yes, there was the serpent in Eden, but there’s nothing in the text that suggests that it is anything other than just a snake, despite what Milton may say. Here, Satan is giving David bad ideas to act on; in previous chapters if someone has acted rashly it has usually been put down to God making them do it because He was angry with them for some reason. There’s n...

1 Chronicles 16-20 Bare bottoms, plus David and God have a humble-brag contest. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: 1 Chronicles 16 “ Then on that day David delivered first this psalm to thank the LORD into the hand of Asaph and his brethren. After the sacrifices have been made to settle the ark into its new home, David doles out food to everyone and then recites his first psalm. Which is couched in some nice language and all very stirring stuff but it does make me wonder how I’m going to tackle the 150 chapters of the Book of Psalms, as they all tend to be along these lines which, I’m afraid, remind me mainly of the prayer from Mo...

1 Chronicles 11-15 Don’t Touch The Ark! Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. F or more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: 1 Chronicles 11 “ Then all Israel gathered themselves to David unto Hebron, saying, Behold, we are thy bone and thy flesh.” David is anointed king, and takes the city of Jerusalem for himself. I don’t recall from Samuel that David has to fight the current inhabitants, the Jebusites, for the privilege of nicking their city, which doesn’t do him much credit. The rest of the chapter is a list of his “mighty men”, the three captains Jashobeam, Abishai and Eleazar, and their deeds (generally killing three hundred Philistines), Abishai killing a giant Egyptian...

1 Chronicles 6-10 The Israelite Tribe of Hufflepuff. Plus; Chicken Guy. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: 1 Chronicles 6 “ And these are they whom David set over the service of song in the house of the LORD, after that the ark had rest.” This chapter covers the lineage of the Levites, from Levi downwards, via Aaron. I have an issue already: V1 “ The sons of Levi; Gershon, Kohath, and Merari ”, later V16 “ The sons of Levi; Gershom, Kohath, and Merari .” The first follows the line of Kohath, then it goes back and follows the line of Gershom. Or is it GershoN. Come one! I realise that there are translation issues, but at least de...

1 Chronicles 1-5 The Bumper Book of Hillbilly Names. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: 1 Chronicles 1 “ And Cush begat Nimrod: he began to be mighty upon the earth” My understanding of Chronicles is that it is a companion piece to Kings, going over the same ground in a different fashion. Possibly it is the “book of chronicles of the kings of Judah” mentioned throughout Kings, it’ll be interesting to see if it fills in the gaps. This chapter is little more than a list of names, a genealogy from Adam, through Noah, Abraham and ending with the dukes of Edom. There’s really not a lot to comment on here, although I went back to Ge...

2 Kings 21-25 Boy Kings, Tingling Ears, and Nabuchadnezzar. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: 2 Kings 21 “ Therefore thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Behold, I am bringing such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle. Manasseh comes to the throne of Judah age 12, but re-instates Baal worship and worship of the “hosts of heaven” which seems to imply a pantheistic religion rather than angels etc. connected to Yahweh (as the term sometimes refers to). He also sacrifices his own son, and it is implied that child sacrifice becomes endemic in the kingdom as not only does he induce th...

2 Kings 16-20 The Assyrians enter the scene, and the Israelites don’t quite know how to react. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: 2 Kings 16 “ Twenty years old was Ahaz when he began to reign, and reigned sixteen years in Jerusalem, and did not that which was right in the sight of the LORD his God, like David his father.” This chapter covers the events in the realm of King Ahaz, of Judah, who sacrifices to other gods. King Rezin of Syria invades his borders, and Ahaz turns to King Tiglathpileser (best name yet) for aid. King, er, Tig (I’m going with that) comes in and drives off Rezin but remarkably doesn’t then decide that he’s ...

2 Kings 11-15 Too. Many. Kings. Also, Joash invents crowd-sourcing. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: 2 Kings 11 “ And when Athaliah the mother of Ahaziah saw that her son was dead, she arose and destroyed all the seed royal.” I’m guessing here that by the “seed royal” this refers to other offspring of the king that are not related to Athaliah, not her own children (of whom it appears that Ahaziah was the only one). However, Jehosheba, sister of Ahaziah, steals away her young nephew Joash. The priest Jehoida sets up a perimeter of guards around the temple, where they anoint and crown Joash (later on called Jehoash – come on...

2 Kings 6-10 Sieges, Massacres, Tyrants, Dead Women Devoured By Dogs. No wonder it’s known as “The Good Book”. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: 2 Kings 6 “ Then the king of Syria warred against Israel, and took counsel with his servants, saying, In such and such a place shall be my camp. Elisha’s followers decide that the place where they are is too small, so they decamp to Jordan and build a new dwelling place. Meanwhile the king of Syria decides to make war on Samaria, bur Elisha is able to warn the king of Israel where each attack is planned. The Syrians send a force of men to kill Elisha, but Elisha reveals that he is prote...

2 Kings 1-5 Elijah and Elisha perform miracles, some of which we’ve seen before, some of which we’ll see again, and some of which involve children getting mauled by bears. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: 2 Kings 1 “ And Ahaziah fell down through a lattice in his upper chamber that was in Samaria, and was sick: and he sent messengers, and said unto them, Go, enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron whether I shall recover of this disease. Considering that the majority of this chapter looks at the dealings of Ahaziah and Elijah, it’s odd that it (and the Second Book of Kings) opens with a line about Moab rebelling against Israel...