An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts Part 244: Eating Books, Falling Stars, Trumpeting Angels, Locusts With Bounce and Shine, and Killing People Better (Revelation 6-10)

Revelation 6-10
Eating Books, Falling Stars, Trumpeting Angels, Locusts With Bounce and Shine, and Killing People Better.

Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version).

In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology.

For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT

For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP

And now:

Revelation 6

“And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.”

Last time, in Revelation, the Lamb (aka thinly disguised metaphor for Christ) was about to open the seven seals (seven again) on a book by the throne of God, being the only entity that can do this.

The first four release the four horsemen of the apocalypse, where we get another one of those instances that what you think you know the Bible says isn’t really the case. Only the last horseman is given a name, Death, riding a pale horse with Hell following. The other three are a rider on a white horse with a bow and a crown who goes forth to conquer; a rider on a red horse armed with a sword and the power to “take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another”. For one thing, that doesn’t need any supernatural entity to accomplish, but lets assume that in the end times complete global peace has been achieved. Why, then, reverse that? Seems like a bit of a dick move to me. The third horseman is on a black horse with a set of balances who is told “A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine”. I’m assuming that the “oil and wine” are some kind of metaphor for the faithful? Otherwise … what’s this horseman supposed to be about? The divine weights and measures department?

Opening the fifth deal reveals “the souls of them that were slain for the word of God”, the souls of martyrs who are still waiting, complaining “How long, O Lord, holy and true, dost thou not judge and avenge our blood on them that dwell on the earth?” Well, you would, since they assumed that they’d be going straight to sit with God when they got martyred. Instead they are kept in a kind of divine waiting room “until their fellowservants also and their brethren, that should be killed as they were”.

The sixth seal unleashes earthquakes, and falling stars, and the heavens being rolled up like a cloth and “kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man” all run to the rocks and mountains and ask them to hide them. And thus a couple of classic gospel songs were born.

Revelation 7

“And after these things I saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth, holding the four winds of the earth, that the wind should not blow on the earth, nor on the sea, nor on any tree.”

I was hoping that the seventh seal would be opened in the seventh chapter, but it doesn’t look like John is being as predictably neat in his narrative. Instead we are introduced to four angels controlling the four winds (not nicked from Greek mythology at all honest), but they are told to wait by another angel until “we have sealed the servants of our God in their foreheads”.

This involves “sealing” (whatever that may be), twelve thousand members of each of the twelve tribes of Israel, but then John also sees “a great multitude, which no man could number, of all nations, and kindreds, and people, and tongues, stood before the throne, and before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, and palms in their hands”, who are people “which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb”.

Washing white in blood is … interesting, but this is obviously metaphorical. I’d assume that this multitude are Christians, and these people get to sit by the throne of God and serve him day and night (what?). “They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more; neither shall the sun light on them, nor any heat” – I mean, absence of hunger in a time when famine is a very real threat seems like a good deal, but I’m not sure about getting no sun or heat. The Lamb will feed them and lead them to “unto living fountains of waters” – so in fact they will feel hunger and thirst but will always have the means available to assuage these needs. Okay.

I’m still not sure what happens to the people sealed in their own foreheads.

Revelation 8

“And I saw the seven angels which stood before God; and to them were given seven trumpets.”

Sevens again. The seventh seal is broken and, Holy Recursions Batman, seven angels with seven trumpets appear, along with an eighth one with a censer holding burning incense made from the prayers of saints. Because God like the smell.

The eighth angel throws the censer to earth, causing earthquakes, and then one by one the seven angels sound their trumpets and cause more natural disasters – or rather, un-natural.

Angel one causes a rain of hail and blood that burns up all the grass and on third of the trees. Angel two causes a mountain of fire to fall from the sky that turns the seas to blood and kills one third of all sea-life. (I hate to break it to that angel but humanity has a better kill-rate than that). The third angel causes a star called Wormwood to fall from heaven that poisons the rivers and kills “many men” (Yep. Still doing better than that). The fourth angel cause a “third of the sun”, a third of the moon and a third of the stars to be “smitten” so that day and night don’t exist for one third of the time. That’s a weird one and I can’t figure out what John means.

Before the last three angels sound their trumpets, another angel flies around the world saying “Oooh, you’re going to really hate what comes next, ha ha!”. No, actually it says “Woe, woe, woe, to the inhabiters of the earth by reason of the other voices of the trumpet of the three angels, which are yet to sound!” Same difference.

Revelation 9

“And the shapes of the locusts were like unto horses prepared unto battle; and on their heads were as it were crowns like gold, and their faces were as the faces of men.”

I had to go and walk away from this one for a while, because here the crazy reaches new levels. The fifth angel sounds its trumpet, another star falls from the sky (I thought they’d all been shaken out of the sky already), and a bottomless pit opens up, from which issue smoke and a bunch of freaky locusts. The locusts are commanded that “they should not hurt the grass of the earth, neither any green thing, neither any tree; but only those men which have not the seal of God in their foreheads”. Ah, so that’s the “sealed in their foreheads” thing sorted then. But wasn’t all the grass already burnt up?

Anyway, these locusts are “shaped like horses prepared unto battle” with golden crowns, men’s faces, women’s hair, lion’s teeth, iron breastplates and scorpion’s tails. What’s so unique about women’s hair? Does this mean “long”? Because men can grow long hair too. Or do they have particularly feminine hairstyles? I’m picturing locusts with a full head of glossy bouncy hair like a shampoo commercial. These mutant locusts sting people for five months (a strangely specific time), but despite their torment no-one can kill themselves even if they want to “men seek death, and shall not find it”. The locusts are ruled by the king of the pit, Abbadon, aka Appolyon in Greek.

So… okay. Weird. Even allowing for metaphor, this suggests… what, exactly? Some kind of plague or sickness that causes suffering but no relief… No. I got nothing on this one.

The sixth angel sounds its trumpet that releases “the four angels which are bound in the great river Euphrates”. Which is pretty specific again. The angels have been “prepared for an hour, and a day, and a month, and a year, for to slay the third part of men”. Which they, apparently, do so with an army of 200 million horsemen that appear from nowhere. The horses are as weird as the locusts, with fire-breathing lion-heads and serpent tails, and the riders have gem-studded breastplates.

But all this divinely-inspired slaughter does nothing to deter people from making … things… especially idols. “Neither repented they of their murders, nor of their sorceries, nor of their fornication, nor of their thefts”. Now, there are two conclusions we could draw from this. One is that using violence and destruction against people is not likely to cause them to change their behaviour. The other is that we need *more* death and destruction until they change their mind. I’m willing to bet which one Revelation is going to go with….

Revelation 10

“And when the seven thunders had uttered their voices, I was about to write: and I heard a voice from heaven saying unto me, Seal up those things which the seven thunders uttered, and write them not.”

Another angel comes from heaven, holding a little book, with one foot on land and the other in sea (i.e. spanning the whole world), and speaks words in seven thunders. John, however, is forbidden from speaking them because “in the days of the voice of the seventh angel, when he shall begin to sound, the mystery of God should be finished”. So is this the seventh angel, which ought to have been playing a trumpet? I don’t know, but the style changes so perhaps this is the end of that bit.

So, John writes down the mystery words that will end the mystery of God, and is then allowed to eat the little book. Maybe … read it instead? But no, eat the book it is, which “it was in my mouth sweet as honey: and as soon as I had eaten it, my belly was bitter”. The angel then tells him to go forward and prophesy. So I guess the “book” is the knowledge which is bitter to carry but are words that are supposed to be good (honey) to the listener.

This is a short chapter, and that’s it. I look forward to see if the seventh trumpet gets sounded, or if John gets stomach ache from eating a book.