Dr Simon Reads...

Amos 1-5 Why Clean Teeth Are Bad. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Amos 1 “The words of Amos, who was among the herdmen of Tekoa, which he saw concerning Israel in the days of Uzziah king of Judah, and in the days of Jeroboam the son of Joash king of Israel, two years before the earthquake.” This is the first mention I’ve heard of an earthquake, although I wonder, perhaps it’d be possible looking back to other commentaries of the time of Jereboam and Uzziah if there isn’t mention of God’s judgement shaking the earth. Anyway, Amos is a herder, and the word of God that he imparts concerns judgements on the neighbouring na...

Joel 1-3 Perplexed Cows and a Robot Army. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Joel 1 “That which the palmerworm hath left hath the locust eaten; and that which the locust hath left hath the cankerworm eaten; and that which the cankerworm hath left hath the caterpiller eaten.” Joel, son of Pethuel, receives word of God and calls to his listeners to tell their children and pass it down through the generations. He talks of a time of famine, where the various insects above have eaten the crops, the vines, pomegranate trees, apple trees and fig trees (amongst others) have all withered and dried up. Within this waste the cattle are “ perplexe...

Hosea 11-14 Those Darn Ephraimites. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Hosea 11 “When Israel was a child, then I loved him, and called my son out of Egypt.” More on how the Ephraimites are the worst backsliders of all – here, at the end of this chapter, Hosea condemns Israel and Ephraim, but not Judah, who is “ yet faithful with the saints ”. The second verse “ As they called them, so they went from them: they sacrificed unto Baalim, and burned incense to graven images” is a really good example of the frustrating use of pronouns that the KJV occasionally throws out. Who, exactly, are the “ they ” and “ them ”? From context, one must ...

Hosea 6-10 Dry and dusty, and Yahweh’s plans to conquer the world. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Hosea 6 “Come, and let us return unto the LORD: for he hath torn, and he will heal us; he hath smitten, and he will bind us up.” There’s an interesting point in verse two –“ After two days will he revive us: in the third day he will raise us up ”; remind me again, how long was Jesus supposed to be in the tomb? Another one of those sneaky correspondences between NT and OT prophets that either, depending on your point of view, proves that Jesus was the Messiah and culmination of prophecy, or that the NT writers stuck in a few references ...

Hosea 1-5 Whoredom is evil, unless God tells you to buy a prostitute for some kind of tortuous metaphor. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Hosea 1 “The beginning of the word of the LORD by Hosea. And the LORD said to Hosea, Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms: for the land hath committed great whoredom, departing from the LORD.” I’ve not heard of Hosea before, not even as a name (the next few books to come, Joel, Amos and Obadiah, all sound like members of a hillbilly family, but Hosea is evidently not a popular choice). But his book starts with a roar, with some unfortunately-named children. Hose...

Daniel 6-10 Prince of Persia, Alexander the Great and some very weird dreams. Oh, and Lions. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Daniel 6 “Then the king commanded, and they brought Daniel, and cast him into the den of lions. Now the king spake and said unto Daniel, Thy God whom thou servest continually, he will deliver thee.” King Darius sets up a group of 120 “ princes and presidents ” to administer to his kingdom, and Daniel is foremost amongst them. Of course, others within the administration are jealous of Daniel and they persuade Darius to issue a decree that for thirty days no man may “ ask a petition ” from any god or man, unle...

Daniel 1-5 Vegetarian Diets, Fiery Furnaces and the Writing on the Wall. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Daniel 1 “And the king spake unto Ashpenaz the master of his eunuchs, that he should bring certain of the children of Israel, and of the king's seed, and of the princes;” Ah, now, Daniel. This will involves lions at some point, won’t it? We jump back in time to Nabuchadnezzar’s initial conquest of Israel and Judah, and learn that he’s requested the best-looking and best-educated Israelite children to be brought to his court and raised and taught so that they can attend him. Of these, the best are Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael...

Ezekiel 46-48 New Temple, New Nation. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Ezekiel 46 “Thus saith the Lord GOD; The gate of the inner court that looketh toward the east shall be shut the six working days; but on the sabbath it shall be opened, and in the day of the new moon it shall be opened.” This chapter deals mainly with offerings, with lots more lambs, rams and oxen being barbecued and boiled in various ways. There’s mention here of the “ prince ”, but I’m not seeing a whole lot of messianic prophecy here, this all seems a bit more mechanical, dealing with how the prince will interact with the offerings and the temple – which gates ...

Ezekiel 41-45 Finally an answer to that eternal question: How many cubits in a reed? Plus: No Sweaty Priests. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Ezekiel 41 “Afterward he brought me to the temple, and measured the posts, six cubits broad on the one side, and six cubits broad on the other side, which was the breadth of the tabernacle.” There’s not a lot to say about this chapter, it’s more building instructions for the new temple and I kind of glossed over all the cubits. I did note that at one point a “ reed ” is defined as “ six great cubits ”, but there’s no other reference to different types of cubit so it’s not possible to tell if ...

Ezekiel 36-40 The Leg Bone Is Connected To The Hip-Bone, and Yahweh Plans A Comeback. Welcome to another instalment of An Atheist Explores Sacred Texts (Bible version). In this series I work my way chapter-by-chapter through the King James Bible, commenting on it from the point of view of the text as literature and mythology. For more detail, see the introductory post http://bit.ly/2F8f9JT For the online KJV I use, see here http://bit.ly/2m0zVUP And now: Ezekiel 36 “Therefore say unto the house of Israel, Thus saith the Lord GOD; I do not this for your sakes, O house of Israel, but for mine holy name's sake, which ye have profaned among the heathen, whither ye went.” The last chapter seems like an intruding interlude of smiting, as we are back to salvation here. God promises to bring back the remnant and to purify them with a kind of baptism (“ Then will I sprinkle clean water upon you ”) and “ A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within...