Dr Simon Reads... BBC 500 Words (2017 Winners) - Children's Writing Contest

Dr Simon Reads… 500 Words

As a bit of levity between the Sacred Texts stuff, I thought I’d look at the BBC 500 Words competition, particularly as the 2018 round has just opened.

Some background: 500 Words is a writing competition that was set up the BBC Radio 2 Breakfast time host Chris Evans (not to be confused with the Captain America Chris Evans…). Chris is a hyperactive sort who’s always coming up with ideas and following them through; this got him into some trouble back in the 90s as the ideas tended to be based around partying too much and not doing his work, but he’s mellowed out a lot these days.

The competition is a creative writing competition open to children aged 5-13 (divided into age categories 5-9 and 10-13). They can submit writing about anything, as long as the piece is no longer than, you guessed it, 500 words. Fifty finalists are selected by volunteer judges, and from these, winners are selected by a panel made up largely of children’s authors, including over the years the likes of Michael Morpurgo and Jacqueline Wilson.

In its first year, 2011, there were just one winner selected from each age category, but now, due to the sheer volume of stories, there are a Bronze, Silver and Gold winner selected from each age category. The stories are read out at a live final by celebrity readers, and the winners also get a big pile of books. The first few finals were held at the Hay Literary Festival in Hay-on-Wye just inside the Welsh border, but since 2015 they’ve been held at various quintessentially British (or perhaps English) locations such as Shakespeare’s Globe and the Tower of London. The competition has grown from strength to strength and is now patronised by Camilla Duchess of Cornwall (aka Mrs Prince Charles).

I wanted to look at the winning stories because, for one thing, they are all really good. Each year I’m always impressed by all the different styles and ideas that these children have. If you’ve ever despaired of the “youth of today”, this is a good antidote. The aim isn’t to criticise, that would be mean spirited in the extreme. If you want something like that, David Sedaris wrote an amusing piece imagining a snooty theatre critic writing a hatchet job on a children’s nativity play (http://bit.ly/2GdkYFM). No, this is to highlight not only the great work of the young writers but to also recommend the celebrity readings.

I’ll be working backwards in time, starting with last year’s finalists, for no apparently good reason other than that’s how I did it. If you can access the BBC from where you live I encourage you to check out the recordings, but also the other 44 stories from each year that I haven’t covered, because to be honest, they’re all good (http://bbc.in/2pWJLrW).

The Lady Who Grew A Beard by Jed Wherlock

Bronze Winner 2017 Age 5-9
“In the faraway land of Ireland, there lived a weird old lady called Lizzy. She had a very unusual diet of deep fried frogs legs dipped in butter. This very strange diet, magic some say, made her grow a long black wiry beard.”

We start with a bit of light-hearted whimsy. Jed tells us about a woman called Lizzy in the “far away land of Ireland” who, thanks to a diet of buttered frog’s legs, is able to grow an animated beard that carries out physical tasks for her – “it can make cups of tea whilst she is watching TV, it knits woolly hats while she sleeps and it randomly changes the station whenever she walks past the radio!”

Three crooks see her beard save a young boy falling from an upstairs window and resolve to steal it to help with their life of crime; they sneak into Lizzy’s house while she’s asleep and shave it off, stick it in a brown paper bag, and drive off in their van.

Lizzy isn’t too perturbed the next morning, she knows her beard will grow back again if she sticks to her magical diet. The tale ends with a sinister twist – a story on the radio mentions three men found strangled in a locked van, with a mysterious brown paper bag containing just a few wisps of black hair….

This is read by comedian and presenter John Bishop, whose lugubrious Liverpudlian tones capture the mischief of the story very well. It’s perhaps worth noting at this point that it often seems the case that the boys tend towards action and/or comedy, while the girls tend towards mood or character pieces. Not always, as we’ll see, but it’s interesting how the perspectives and styles can differ.

My Saviour by Evie McKeown

Bronze Winner 2017 Age 10-13
“My fur coat guides me now. He is my physical compass, my book of knowledge and most of all my companion - I trust him.”

From what I just said, here’s a good case in point, compare Jed’s witty imaginative story with Evie’s beautiful moving piece. It’s not a story as such, it’s really just a descriptive piece about getting her guide dog, and is reminiscent of something by Alan Bennett or the aforementioned David Sedaris, a diary entry writ large and poetic.

It’s a lovely bit of writing, autobiographical I think, about a girl getting a guide dog, Rampa the black Labrador, and what it means to her, how she feels about being blind, and also how the dog gets on with her baby brother that she will never see. This story is read by Noma Dumezweni, who plays Hermione on stage in Harry Potter and the Cursed Child (or, at least, was at this point in 2017). It’s a moving reading, although she does fluff a word – tsk Hermione, what would Ron say?

Professor Sluggo and the Prosthetic Limbs by Lucinda Levene

Silver Winner 2017 Age 5-9
“Caring Professor Sluggo thought about all the sad slugs who weren't having any fun because they couldn't walk like the other living things and they couldn't tap dance either. What should he do?”

We jump back to another whimsical tale, and in this one Lucinda tells us of a group of slugs, led by Professor Sluggo, who want to develop prosthetic limbs for all slugs so that they can walk, and more importantly, dance. That’s a sweet idea right there. Sluggo and his friends enlist the help of some humans, Mr and Mrs Green, and they, basically, achieve what they set out to do. There’s no jeopardy or danger involved, but it’s a fun little tale nonetheless. I particularly like the little details, such as slug language being “Slanguage” and the slugs having a postcode system (SLUG314). Plus the nice bit of specificity when Sluggo hitches a lift into the Green household on a basil leaf because Mrs Green is making pesto sauce.

Sir Derek Jacobi reads this one with evident glee, having fun with the voices.

Jack and Jill by Ashleigh May

Silver Winner 2017 Age 10-13
“In turn, each lamppost fizzled slightly and then burned completely out, draining the life and warmth from the grimy street. The world went completely silent. It was as if even the wind was holding its breath. Slowly...”

A good highlight of the varied tones in the 500 Words stories, we now find some full-on gothic horror. Walter Doomadder, and later his daughter, meet ominous ends at the hands of a vengeful ghost haunting an old clock tower. The story is interspersed with lines from the Jack and Jill nursery rhyme that creepily echo occurrences in the main narrative, as well as a couple of short poems with dark content.

This one really piles on the atmosphere, and is read by David Suchet who enjoys going to ”a dark place” (prompting Derek Jacobi to say that his voice comes “from the balls” which then leads to some hasty apologising by Chris Evans for the “naughty knight”!). I think Suchet over-eggs some of the sound effects, personally; it’s worth checking out the BBC Drama Company reading in the collected stories as a bit more measured, but the writing is top notch.

The Kindest of Strangers by Lauren Cooke

Gold Winner 2017 Age 5-9
“A cold wind blew and leaves whipped up and danced around the ankles of an old man crouched in a doorway. His coat, clutched around his shoulders, offered little warmth and he shivered, holding his hand out in the hope of a coin or two.”

A beautiful poignant piece and a worthy winner to this age category. We follow an old homeless man, cold and hungry, who finds a few coins, enough to buy a cup of tea and a warm currant bun from a nearby café. I liked the little touches where the woman in the café scorns him – “"Takeaway?" The woman spoke the words more as an instruction than a question.”. As he’s leaving, the old man sees a young girl at the window, looking pale and drawn, dark circles under her eyes. Out of kindness he gives her his currant bun, leaving him still hungry.

There’s a cruel twist, however. She’s not pale and hungry at all, it’s Halloween and she’s trick-or-treating as a corpse-bride. Ungratefully, she throws the currant bun away – "Currants. I hate currants".

Jenny Agutter (do I really? Well, start with Logan's Run and finish with Call the Midwife) reads this one, and her warm voice captures the pathos perfectly. Great use of language by Lauren, and also a sophisticated stylistic touch is how the final paragraph of the story bookends with the first.

Mr BB Wolf vs Miss RR Hood: Evidence for the Courts by Livia Turner

Gold Winner 2017 Age 10-13
“Miss Hood

I implore you not to slay any further trees!
A pool is not a necessity, whereas the trees are important to the wellbeing of The Woods - if one is felled there are disastrous consequences!
Mr. Wolf”

One of the nice things about 500 Words are the inventive ways in which the stories are sometimes constructed. There’s a great example in, I think, the 2015 final [Edit: 2016 actually] and there are plenty of other examples in the fifty finalists of each year. This one takes the form of a sequence of correspondence between Mr BB Wolf, the urbane and welcoming mayor of The Woods, and Miss RR Hood, an ungrateful and antisocial new resident. As the letters progress, Mr Wolf becomes more and more exasperated with Miss Hood as she pulls up flowers, cuts down trees, kills the animals of the woods and eventually ends up wearing their fur. The story ends with Mr Wolf’s final warning that “you will not bruise my honour with impunity”. Nicely written using two very different voices for Wolf and Hood.

This one is read by David Walliams, of Little Britain and author of numerous children’s books (dramatisations of which have become a Christmas TV fixture in the past few years). Another perfect choice of reader as Walliams is able to bring to life the eloquent and polite Wolf vs the bolshy “yeah whatever” Red Riding Hood. I do like a fun twist on classic fairy tales as well.

And that’s it for the 2017 winners. This might have been a bit abrupt – I’d already written the whole thing but then accidentally over-wrote it with the 2016 article, so forgive me if it’s a bit short. Also, although these are all good stories, personally I think that the 2016/2015 winners have the edge. I do, however, urge you to go and listen to them and check out some of the other finalists. I’m quite fond of “Maths with Mr Fibbonacci”, in which an inventive teacher turns a disaster with his notes into an impromptu maths lesson, and “It’s an Aubergine”, a tale about tolerance told with the aid of vegetables.